Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Away from Myself

Parang kelan lang, karir na karir (sa pagka-cram) ang pag-aaral sa STS. Hehe!

It has been proven that whenever I am in a situation that is too hard for me to handle, or the pressures were just to demanding, or simply I lack the motivation to work my ass off (read: KATAMARAN), I detach myself from the things I should be doing, the responsibilities I am obliged to take care of, and from the people connected to the situation I am so desperately trying to avoid.

Two years ago, I slowly drifted away from certain people. These people were undeniably precious and very close to my heart and whom I've spent a lot of memorable occasions with. Then something utterly painful happened. I reacted the only possible way I know - detaching myself away. I withdrew myself from the whole experience, including from my precious friends. With all the sanity that was left in me, I tried to suppress every damn memory I had, every one of them, even the most blissfully perfect moments. I did so, even though it was against my personal will. I did it because I was too hurt and wrecked, such that I need to breathe everything out of my system in a single blow. Seeing my friends meant reliving each devastating experience, and I can't withstand that. Funny it is that when I was in the process of excluding myself from them, I felt nothing - no pain, no anything. I found leaving them totally easy, as if I didn't care for them after all. Talk about being a horrible person that I am, leaving, ignoring and taking for granted my so-called-friends.

Call it pathetic, but giving myself time to just sit down and relax, and think of nothing during work demanding days, gives me a sense of balance from everything, like a gust of fresh air and just enough to gather myself and save motivation and energy.

On the other side of that, I am missing important events, requirements, and disappointing people who trust in me. Even if I work my best to regain what I’ve lost, at some point of time, I will automatically detach myself again, creating a round of this vicious, vicious cycle. Sometimes I wonder why I feel this way ? in a certain moment, I am this achiever who stops at nothing and gives her best shot at each opportunity, but in a snap, transforms into a lazy bum, oblivious to the world around her. What I need right now is a major habit breaking phenomena, powerful enough to finally scare me from going back to that tormenting cycle.