It is all in -the mess-.

It was exactly a week ago yet it felt like it happened a few hours ago.

It didn't matter that the whole get together was a bit sudden. It didn't matter that I was 2 hours late and that I had trouble getting a ride from baclaran to macapagal. It didn't matter that I had to walk from Libertad back to Baclaran only to know that my friends were in fact in the Libertad area and NOT in blue wave. It didn't matter either that I have to watch the first set of fireworks all alone while my friends are enjoying it together on the other end of the macapagal boulevard. More importantly, it didn't matter that we were all in "senti" mode and are desperately craving for happiness.

I never expected anything from the "lakad." I thought that it would just be an "another gimik," full of silly laughters and updates about our lives. But I was dead wrong!

CG. Common Ground.

Drinks popped out. Foods were ignored. Dancing was nothing short of fun.

As my friends were starting to get successful in finding and making "pa-cute" with adorable guys, Kt and I were just dancing the night away and trying to make the most of it. Surprises of all surprises, he came. His presence was just astounding that you simply cannot ignore him. I didn't see him at first for he was behind me trying to join the group we were in. I thought it would be the "usual" - him checking out my friends (insecurities seeping out, hehehe). Forgive me for being dense and all, but I noticed him only after my friends started to tease me . I looked at my back, and you were there, staring just the same.

Being the very shy one, I continued to socialize with my friends, never initiating talks with you. Still, you stayed. The place was packed and you can only have as much space as your body holds. It was too crowded. Bumping with the person beside you was just common. We were so close as if we knew each other for years. At that time, I was beyond happy for spending a fabulous time with my friends, plus a guy checking you out. I could never ask for anything.

We left the dancefloor without us even saying a word. We danced beside each other and that was it. At the table, the talks were all about the cute guys my friends met and saw and had convesations with. They were happy, and I was truly happy for them also. What strucked me was that they expected me to talked with the guy they teased me about. It was more surprising to hear disappointments for my lack of courage to at least get that guy's name. So the conversation lead to him being tagged as cute, chinito, tall and "ok" for me. With that, I noted that I should talk/flirt with him the second we come back, only if he moves towards me again.

What happened the second time we went back to the dance floor was the most fantastic that ever happened that day.

We were at the other end of the dancefloor and I tried to look for him, yet he was nowhere in sight. A few minutes after, I saw him not far from us, with some people. I saw him and he saw me. I pulled away. I looked back, and I saw him not just looking back , but also moving towards us. By this time, I was excited and anxious but maintained a "deadma" look. I asked my friend if he was the one we talked about a while ago. She replied with a very giddy and ecstatic tone, saying that I should go for it (and haba na ng hair ko!). After a few minutes of more "energetic" dancing and talking stares, I finally had the courage or should I say the "landi factor" to muster a simple hi.

A simple hi led to a series of conversations and dancing at the same time. We talked about our schools, where we live and hang-out, what we do when we unwind, our friends and so on. The conversation was practically great. All the while we were exchaging words, I looked at his every detail. I saw his gorgeous eyes. They were beautiful that once you gazed into them, you can't help but smile. He carried himself with full confidence. He has this peculiar thing, radiating from his being that tells you he is someone special. He has his way with women and I was aware of that. I love his full self. I was both scared and sobrang kilig. He treated me like I was special. As if he knew that instant what I needed - security, respect, trust and affection. He was with the right combination. But I knew at the back of my head that what I was seeing was a great facade to lure women like me - to get it down and dirty. Hello, for crying out loud we were in a bar and most men expect something adventurous from you! But HELL NO! I am not that kind of person!

Blame it on me for being too desperate and vulnerable, I just wanted to have fun that time, and possibly gain a boylet. Haha! I let some of my defenses down and connected with him. The time I spend with him was irreplacable. The way we danced, the way he touched and hold on to me, the way he spoked to my ears, the way he made me feel that it was ok, the way he tried to understand me are beyond words to describe.

Unfortunately, good things such as these are meant not meant to last. For a span of just 3 hours, I felt so happy. Lucky for me, he did text me afterwards. I was very very happy that I did not sleep even if I really wanted to. I was too delighted. Iwas in heaven and I thought that it was God's new year's gift to me. And I welcomed the new year really, really, really happy.

Days passed and we still kept in touch. However, instead of being pleased more and more, I find him changing, even to the point that I can't withstand his thouhgts. Sabi ko na nga ba eh! The person I knew that night was a fake and it was probably because of alcohol. And so I decided that I can't be that kind of person he is expecting of me. I don't want to change myself just to please him. Changing myself would cause me to hate and disrespect myself. And unless he changes back to his sweet self or unless I get very, very,very desperate (oh please don't allow me to) I won't tolerate any of his shit.

Now I am mourning again for another loss. A loss in replace of the former one. At least, as my friend said, I am able to move on from one story to another, even if it delivered the same emotion. I am probably too clingy with the happy memories that I can't move on.

I miss him. I want him. Oh shit.

Posted by krissy at 12:55 AM