Sunday, September 25, 2005
Letting go

You were my weekends, my nights, the indirect influence to what I did with my days, what I bought with my money, what I’d see, read, or single out off a rack of shelf at a store.

Yours was the phone call that I always wanted to get, the messages that I leave undeleted on my phone, the chats I save on file no matter how mundane, all for the sake of sentimentality.

Time spent with you was never wasted even if it was spent quietly over lunch or laughing uproariously over coffee.

You were everything. You were my life. And clearly, that wasn’t a good thing.

Because sure enough when you left me hanging, I felt disoriented. Befuddled. Not knowing what to do next, not knowing if I even wanted to do anything.

And so I buried myself to my ears in work, tried to look the other way, struggled to keep sane even if I went crazy inside.

Became thankful, and at the same time scornful at how people believed that I’d be okay. Thankful for their faith that I’d gather my wits, my resolve, not to mention my brokenness together and face the music; scornful for them not cutting me any slack for being human.

But then, maybe, nobody really expected me to stay when it ended. Was it my stubbornness? My determination to rise above emotions and prove you wrong?

Perhaps. Perhaps also your expectations that I should rise above my pain and continue with my duty. Because I owe you that much.

Just as you owed me an explanation or a half-decent apology.

Though of course, words enough won’t even begin to smooth over whatever damage that was already done. So the least you could have done was to give me time.

Time to heal.

But that by far was the last thing you gave. I had to take it in the name of self-preservation. Take it because I feel I was entitled.

Take it because this time, I’m doing things because it would give me happiness, be it at the expense of yours.

On hindsight, yes, people expected me to be strong enough. And I probably am. But just because I'm strong enough to steel myself against the pain, doesn't make it hurt any less.

Looking back I realized that I lost so much of myself being with you. And lost whatever little remained of me when you left me behind.

Losing you made me lose everything.

But now that I have nothing, even you or what we had, I’ve only got everything else to gain. A new beginning, a clean slate, a chance at life and become the woman I was before you.

And now without you... in spite of what you've done.

I’d start to thank you but that would give you too much credit now, wouldn’t it?